I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
