why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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