That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
