I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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