My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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