It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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