hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
