just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
