In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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