I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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