should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
