My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
