I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
