I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
