We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
