he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize