What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
