i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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