i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
