I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
