I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
