I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
