pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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