well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
