he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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