I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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