He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You brought string cheese to the strip club
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
