Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
