I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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