It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
