umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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