No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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