the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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