I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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