So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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