If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
