y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
