Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
