mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
