cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
