I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
