I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
