just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
