Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
