i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
