what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
