My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
