someone get that fucking seahorse.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
