Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
