My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
