I just saw a hot homeless man
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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