I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
