Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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