based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
